JoE Bloggs...

JoE'S JOURNAL EPISODE 8

2007-10-27T11:23:00.000+02:00

Hey Peeps,

My anticipated return has finally dawned upon thee my loyal readers and faithfull subjects. Where have I been lost since my last post on 9/11 you ask? Well simply between the stresses and strains of fasting and ever increasing work life I just couldn’t find myself the time to write these mindless ramblings.

Anyways this post comes after what I call the best weekend in my life ever. What about this past weekend is so great that I dubbed it my best ever? Well my country won the world cup rugby dominating the tournament and cleaning up at the awards ceremony thereafter. Furthermore, the Formula One season has come to a close with my favourite driver the finnish iceman, Kimi Raikkonen unexpectedly taking the championship after Lewis Hamilton looked poised to take it at the beginning of the race. I also managed to spend my days with the people that matter in my life.

So all in all that makes a pretty damn good weekend if I may say so!

Take care,
Yusuf

FACEBOOK MUCH???

2007-09-10T04:29:00.000+02:00

This video goes out to all my fellow facebook addicts...

PARAMORE - MISERY BUSINESS

2007-08-29T10:26:00.000+02:00

Me love this song...

JoE'S JOURNAL EPISODE 7

2007-08-27T11:36:00.000+02:00

Hey Peeps,

Its that time of the year again when we all get glued to our tellies to see who becomes the next south african idol. Not that the final result means much to us its more the people involved, namely the judges that get us involved!

My personal favourite is Randal... that dude can make me rip… so what I’ve done is compiled my top 5 Randal quotes given to his victims…

1. “I want you to go home, and drop a brick on your toe and you’ll know how that was for me”

2. “I think you should tie that scarf around your neck a little tighter and keep pulling”

3. “Hey this is no episode of Gummi Bears… her voice is weak and feeble”

4. “You sound like a hyena that’s been hit by a steamroller… whack… that’s impact!”

5. “I’ve seen overnight dishwater with more sparkle”

Another more interesting revelation on the Idols front is the pop sensation known to us as the famous (or is it infamous?) Cliff Jennings. This singer/ songwriter is pure genius. He comes for an audition with his own cameraman and totally stuns the judges with his wonderful rendition of “I wanna love you” which he wrote himself! Check out his story at you tube http://www.youtube.com/user/cliffjennings. This week saw him return to the Cape Town auditions where he once again shone in all his greatness and splendor. From your biggest fan, Cliff Jennings you are the man!

Watch this space,
Yusuf

Alex Guadino - Destination Calabria

2007-08-24T07:57:00.001+02:00

Gotta love this video...

DAY AT THE ALLEY...

2007-08-15T07:38:00.000+02:00

Take a look at the bowling scorecard... freaky shit... how is that possible??!

DAUGHTRY

2007-08-02T11:17:00.000+02:00

Well i must say its been a while since i've found myself so addicted to one album but if you ever get a chance give Chirs Daughtry's self titled debut album a listen to... trust me you'll soon be diagnosed with OCD (Obsessed with Chris Daughtry) aswell!!! This American Idol 5 finalist has impressed on this 12 track debut album and looks set to rule the rock charts around the world.

Dude's Attitude's Unbelievalbe & This Guy's Here To Rock You!!!

Nuff sed :)

JoE's JOURNAL EPISODE 6

2007-08-01T08:36:00.000+02:00

Hey Peeps,

So this is what happened during the past weeks…

My friend went over to the United States for work (from his feedback it seems like everything but work), I had a surprisingly good time at the beachfront over the Durban Beach Festival weekend (Met a lot of peeps I haven’t seen in ages there!); I even played 2 games of soccer in a row during the week (Who would’ve guessed!) and watched Transformers (Megan’s Hottttt… I know!) somewhere in all the craziness lol! So all in all not too shabby if I may say so myself.

I then followed that up with another crazy working week (when will the madness end???) followed up by an even more fab weekend. It basically went down a little something like this…

Friday Night:
After soccer my friend comes up with this crazy idea that it would be fun to go to the Harry Potter book launch. Since I’ve never actually witnessed one of these crazy events let alone a book launch, I decided to go; it is my motto to try things at least once after all. It’s really amazing how people could get so excited about a book being launched at one in the morning when they know the only thing they going to do after they purchase it is go home and sleep… but anyways who am I to say anything. All I knew was I was hungry and there’s always food in a mall!!!

Saturday:
Saturday was a wicked cool day. I went with the gang to see Spurs play Chiefs at the ABSA Stadium. The difference in the 2 teams basically was the ‘culture’ football played by our boys who thought that doing tricks counted more than scoring goals. I did have a blast though.

Then followed that up with my very first ice skating experience outside of the big screen. For those of you who haven’t skated before let me warn you… Its not as easy as it looks!!! And yes I did fall like on my 2nd step… really embarrassing moment which took me forever to get over… lets just say I never fell again!

I then went over to a friends place and basically watched movies, chilled and smoked hooka till I felt sleepy upon which I made my departure to the land of the dead.

Sunday:
I was woken up prematurely on Sunday morning which made me feel quite hung over and really, really miserable… it had only been 3 hours since Saturday night and my face told the story. I went and saw my friend play soccer against the Sundowns junior squad… man we got some rich upcoming talent… I witnessed some great intelligent football by these youngsters.
Then I ended up having an extended lunch which became supper turned into midnight snack… no comment… lol!

I also ended up watchin the simpsons movie during this past weekend… for those of you unfortunate souls who haven’t seen it I suggest you do the next available chance you get… my sides are still hurting from all the laughter.

So there it was… the boring old reason why I haven’t been blogging much of late. (I can’t believe you actually read this…. I can’t believe I even wrote this!)

Till my next post or even longer journal this is Yusuf saying adios amigos :)

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity...

2007-08-01T02:10:00.000+02:00

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ..... Send This Post As An E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called ... therapy.

The QuiZzy...

2007-07-19T07:28:00.000+02:00

1. I love procrastinating - Who Doesn't?
2. I hate mornings - y does slpin hav2 end :(
3. I am crazy about Avril!!!
4. I love the smell of just washed hair, freshly baked goodies, petrol, food... eish dis cud take a while
5. I enjoy watching sports - typical guy i suppose
6. Formula One means the world to me - cos da world is one gr8 race
7. I can't live without my cellphone - seriously i use it 2breathe!
8. I stand for justice and equality - actually free food!
9. I believe i can fly - jus had2 sing :)
10. When I open my eyes in the morning i think to myself 'jus 5 mor mins'
12. My most valued possession is prob my media collection - i knw... im such a geek
13. I wanted to be a graphic designer/architect/computer fundi - i did miss my calling
14. My one wish is to be happy and content
15. I am easily convinced - i can b a real blonde sumtyms!
16. I fear my own abilites - long story... but i hav my moments
17. I cry when the occasion calls 4it
18. I live for the moment - and regret it l8a ;)
19. I know alotta people and even mor useless information abt dem!
20. I care about oda ppls feelins - and usually get hurt in da process
21. Don't ever ask me to swim... i just wont... i cant!
22. I'd risk my life for the ones i love - unless it invloves me swimmin :P
23. If I could I'd be a spartan in the dark ages - something like 300!
24. Life is a highway, i wana ride it all nite long! - i did it again... i knw... hehe :)
25. I know for sure that i am dat gud... jus ask me mum :)
26. Friends and family should never b ignored and always reminded how much dey mean 2u
27. I'll never do sumtin unless i want to :P
28. To love is to accept witout question
29. Give and receive in abundance n da world will b a beta place
30. Power is nt havin everytin but knwin dat u can!
31. My dreams r still wayy outta my reach and therefore priceless - 4everytin else ders mastercard
32. Money is very scarce atm - its da middle f friggin july n im awredy broke!
33. Struggles are only difficult cos we let it happen dat way - mayB nxt tym a lil plannin mite help!
34. Risks are there to be taken... jus add sum guts n balls n ur gud 2go!
35. The future is the nxt second... make it count!
36. I look forward to a hot shower afta a game of soka - i 4get abt all da aches n pains n da injuries seem worth it lol!
37. My greatest achievement is my Lego Ferrari F1 i created from ordinary blocks da day b4 my matric math exam! - sad but tru
38. I don't believe in miracles, jus hard work
39. You can't always be right but wots da ballpark 4it... 60, 80%
40. I am Yusuf Desai, the one, the only, el classico baby!

JoE'S LADY...

2007-07-03T07:55:00.000+02:00

One of those bored days running late for work i stumbled across this fair maiden...

I felt obligated to blog it!

JoE'S JOURNAL EPISODE 5

2007-07-03T07:45:00.000+02:00

Hey Peeps,

It's been quite a while since my last post... regrettably the biggest problem is my blog along with facebook have both been added to the banned list at work!
So basically I’ve been quite scarce on both. No need to worry as I’m still working out a solution to the problem seeing as I am the one who got the sites banned lol!

Ok so I have a few issues to bitch and moan about... Firstly has anybody seen or heard the new Enrique song? I still think the bugger whines but this time it’s bordering on rip your ears off!!! Please tell me this is not just my feeling!

Secondly for those of you in the working world, don't you find it so irritating when your manager has it in for you and makes your life a living hell and then pretends like everything’s hunky dory? For those of you who are in the same boat as me I truly understand how you feel and I wouldn't wish it on my own worst enemy (nice song by the way).

As for my soccer team, we need a defence and since I’ve been relegated to that target in the goal called a goalie my defensive skills can’t be put to good use which basically means I get hit in the head and elsewhere a lot!!! So all those who know how to clear a ball please apply because there’s only so much swearing these monkeys can take!

And lastly, my car, my baby, my lil' jalopy... ma wheels! Well she decided to fail on me during the most important week in any durbanites year! So now I reliant on other people... a very big EISH indeed!

So what have I been up to since my last journal?

Well I attended my friends wedding which was really cool but that came at a price. While I was busy at the wedding, the rest of my crew were busy having a ball on the kyalami circuit!!! I know I saw the pictures! Thanks for rubbing it in guys.

I followed up that with another classic Yusuf moment. For those uninformed peeps out there, there was a Durban film festival during the past 2 weeks; anyways the movie that I saw was River Queen which wasn't a bad movie, I actually had a great time watching it. The silly thing though was that when I get home the curiosity of having seen that title somewhere led me to search through my stuffs upon which I come across a certain DVD titled "River Queen" I know… to quote myself… “You Idjit!” So you may laugh at me but these things happen to all of us ok... so STOP!... really I mean it... seriously you can STOP right now... ok STOP IT!... please?

Since then I haven’t seen any other movies… yes I’m dying to see the new Fantastic Four and Shrek but I guess it’ll have to wait… I’m holding strong!!!

This weekend was interesting, I broke my duck of not attending these Islamic fairs (or whatever they call them) and I was promptly reminded why exactly I don’t attend these ‘things’. I subsequently ended up going twice which was pain intensified! We will leave that at that. The beachfront was really cold and surprisingly dead especially since it was the opening weekend for the Durban beach festival so I made quick exits both times.

Sunday was a ripper, if you know me you know I love ice cream and wherever I go I must have ice cream so I was promised an ice cream after bowling and go-karting which is my official excuse for loosing in both because after both events I was always promised it later and I never got it! Talk about leading a donkey… I felt so cheated!

Anyhoo enough of my rambling for now, ill leave you’ll with sum words of inspiration…

“Live as though today is all you have. Live today free from sorrow, bother, anger, jealousy and malice. Seek forgiveness from your friends and live at peace. Live according to your reality without envisioning the ideal life. Accept life and adapt accordingly.

Tomorrow is yet to come and yesterday is gone forever. Grieving over the past and worrying about the future is a waste of the present! Contemplate and be thankful. Organise the hours of this day so that you make years out of minutes and months out of seconds.

Be happy and appreciate the beauty of this life… ‘Today is my only day’!”

Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride… well lets hope so otherwise goodbye cruel world!

Your favourite smartass,
Yusuf

WORLD'S BEST SEXIST JOKES...

2007-06-22T08:39:00.000+02:00

1. Why did God create woman? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow.

3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her.

5. What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak [whole week..]

8. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb? None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

9. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E? One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

10. Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

11. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already.

12. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

13. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? You made her chain too long.

14. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!

15. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

16. What are the three fastest means of communication?

a) Internet

b) Telephone

c) Telawoman

17. Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

18. How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

19. How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

20. What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.

21. How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

22. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blowjob.

24. What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years the job still sucks.

25. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

26. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

27. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

28. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.

29. Why did the woman cross the road? What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!

30. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon? Cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.

10 THOUGHTS TO PONDER FOR 2007...

2007-06-22T08:35:00.001+02:00

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007 - We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of homeland security!

JUST SO YOU KNOW WHO I AM...

2007-06-21T08:28:00.001+02:00

I am an auditor (but I'm not bitter).
I don't wear a pocket protector.
I don't carry a calculator at all times, but I can use it without looking at the numbers.
I get psyched for business casual.
I carry a laptop, not because I think it's cool, but because I have to.
It's certainly not cool when you have to carry it across town in the middle of the summer...along with two other bags and a box of workpapers.

I have lots of paper cuts...not from regular paper, but ones that hurt from pockets and folders.
I have a desk, and I have a phone, but I'm never at either of them. I sit at a table meant for 4 with 8 other people.
I work with people everyday, but everyone thinks I have no social skills. They fail to realize that after talking to incompetent people throughout the day the last thing I want to do is talk to anyone!

I dream about financial statement presentation and proper timing of accruals.
I spend significant amounts of time waiting for others to do their job; and when they're done, it's still not right, even though they've been doing it for 10 years.

I know GAAP is crap...but it's the best thing we've got.
By God, if you ask me one more question about how to do your taxes, I might just rip your head off!!!!
I work overtime six months out of the year, and then get told to watch how much time I spend on my work. Then, I try not to spend too much time on my work, only to get told my bonus is based on overtime. Oh wait, we don't get bonuses!

I have an apartment, but it's really just a place to store my clothes and old workpapers that the garbage men won't even take.

I can cook, but I can't remember the last time I came home and wanted to.
I'm just a person who went to school for way too long, who is overworked, and underpaid, who gets no respect for my work, and has finally realized that my entire career is based on providing information no one understands, to people who couldn't care less.

I can drink better than anyone. Is it any wonder why? I've been promoted six times in the last two years, not because I'm competent but because all the competent people had the smarts to leave.

My name is YUSUF DESAI and I am.... an auditor!!!

LETTERS TO AUNTIE RHODA

2007-06-18T05:29:00.000+02:00

This is too funny...wishing I worked at this magazine (Parade Magazine - Zimbabwe) ....... The following are actual letters that Auntie Rhoda (well-known psychiatrist) herself admitted she was at a loss to answer:

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Dear Auntie Rhoda, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

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Dear Auntie Rhoda, I was married to Murwere for three months, and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

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Dear Auntie Rhoda, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his!

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Dear Auntie Rhoda, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.

These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

*************************************************************

Dear Auntie Rhoda, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

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Dear Auntie Rhoda, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

*************************************************************

Dear Auntie Rhoda, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

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Dear Auntie Rhoda, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

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Dear Auntie Rhoda, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist a visit an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

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Dear Auntie Rhoda, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.

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Dear Auntie Rhoda, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

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Dear Auntie Rhoda, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.

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MATHEMATICAL VIEWPOINT

2007-06-18T05:26:00.000+02:00

Mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top!!!

JoE'S JOURNAL EPISODE 4

2007-06-18T05:16:00.000+02:00

Hey Peeps,

So this is what happened in the recent past... I got stuck on campus... i got sick... still am for those interested.

Anyways apart from that the week was really cool i suppose, I went to a book signing session which was a new and different experience for me, I managed to complete most of my work in time and produce the quality that i'm reknowned for, I even had time to go and see Oceans 13! As fo my soccer team, The Spartans, we also had one of our greatest victories on friday thumping our opposition with a great display of sheer skill and class playing football of the highest quality!And so all in all i guess not too shabby ey nige... lol!

The book signing session was by some famous children's author Anthony Horrowitz (Hope i got that right!) who was actually quite funny and entertaining... Isn't it amazing that all authors always seem to have quite lively imaginations hey? Anyways i felt like a kid after that so i had to go have the one thing in the world that make me feel a little more grown up... WAFFLES!!!

Oceans 13 was a nice movie, much better than 12... but the more important discovery i made while at the movies ws that i probably watch too many movies since i literally saw every movie that's currently out on circuit!

And lastly, for the sports fans out there... what a fantastic weekend we had!

- South Africa winning the tri nations clash with the aussies the way they did showing guts and determination in preserving australia's winless streak in south africa which stretches back 7 years!

- The formula one with Alonso vs Hamilton bringing back memories of the old great rivalry of Senna and Prost. And while we are on the topic of cars this is the Alpha i saw at pavillion on the weekend... ill do anything to have one!!!

- And if you missed out on the final round of the la liga, you truly missed out! The league that nobody wanted to win was eventually won by Real Madrid, on wins! That's right, points were tied at 76 between barca and madrid!

Your ailing once former great specimen of the human being,

Yusuf

LAWS SIR ISAAC NEWTON FORGOT...

2007-06-18T05:15:00.000+02:00

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.
BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to your boss that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

TAX YEAR...

2007-06-18T05:11:00.000+02:00

At the end of the tax year the tax office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle dripping?" Good question, noted the rabbi."We save them up and send them back to the candle makers and every now andthen they send us a box of free candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But he went on, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah yes," replied the rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."

"I see", replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster theknow it all rabbi."Well, rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?!"Here too we do not waste," answered the rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick!!"

CANADIAN GRAND PRIX...

2007-06-11T10:07:00.000+02:00

Well what can i say about this race... absolutely spectacular!!! Gripping stuff from the first lap. Well done to Lewis "Amphony" Hamilton on his first victory. You proved me, your biggest critic, wrong! If you guys havn't seen the race the most memorable moment would sadly be remembered as the horrific crash of Robert Kubica.

In other news the Moto GP was also really exciting with Casey Stoner just pipping the doctor, Valentino Rossi to victory in what was a trully memorable spanish grand prix.

JoE's JOURNAL EPISODE 3

2007-06-08T08:46:00.000+02:00

Hey Peeps,

It's been a long and frustrating week and yet again your favourite superhero comes up trumps!I've been away from home most of the time this week basically living as if i were boarding there.

The following picture was taken one of the nights out with my friends. A true moment of inspiration i say!

Oh if you saw my google post (see below), the other discovery i made is that my blog is the 3rd item on the search list.So the new goal is to get it up to numero uno. So my loyal peeps do whatever it is you do and make it happen for me!

Your friendly neighbourhood spiderman,

Yusuf

WHAT EVERY KISS MEANS...

2007-06-07T10:16:00.000+02:00

Kiss on the Stomach = Im ready

Kiss on the Forehead ="i hope we're together forever"

Kiss on the Ear = Your my everything

Kiss on the Cheek = "We're friends"

Kiss on the Hand = "I adore you"

Kiss on the Neck = "we belong together"

Kiss on the Shoulder = "I want you"

Kiss on the Lips = I like you"

What the gesture means...

Holding Hands = "we definitely like each other"

Slap on the Butt = "That's mine"

Holding on Tight = "i don't want to let go"

Looking into each other's Eyes = "i just plain like you"

Playing with Hair = "Tell me you love me"

Arms around the Waist = "I like you too much to let go"

Laughing while Kissing = "I am completely comfortable with you"

JoE's Advice...

Dont ask for a kiss, take one.

If you were thinking about someone while reading this, you're definitely in LOVE.
If you LIKE, LOVE, OR MISS someone right now and can't get them out of your head then Re-post this and hopefully whoever you are missing will surprise you.

GOOGLE LOL...

2007-06-07T08:42:00.000+02:00

So this is what happened... i decided to google myself... aparently i made a movie... check it out ant let me know what you think...

JoE's JOURNAL EPISODE 2

2007-06-01T08:50:00.000+02:00

Hey Peeps,

It's that time of the week again, part 2 of this wonderfully absorbing narrative that is my life... I think somebody should actually write a book about me and all my experiences. Anyways it's been a really really hectic working week for me at the office finishing late because of the amnesty's and trying to have a social life aswell. I'm alive and it's friday so i guess that makes me living proof that miracles do happen!

The picture below is the licence disk sticker in my car. I think it's cute... tell me what you think...

Till the next time, Have a great weekend...

Yusuf

TALK ABOUT SPOILERS...

2007-06-01T04:59:00.000+02:00

This is just brilliant... thanks ZoE!

WHICH SUPERHERO AM I?

2007-06-01T02:27:00.000+02:00

I came across this cool test during one of my net surfing escapades... try it out for yourself. I know alot of people who are saying "i told you so" right now!

You are Spider-Man

You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.

Spider-Man... 100%

Superman... 80%

The Flash... 70%

Green Lantern... 65%

Robin... 60%

Hulk... 55%

Supergirl... 50%

Batman... 40%

Wonder Woman... 40%

Iron Man... 40%

Catwoman... 30%

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2006...

2007-05-29T03:14:00.000+02:00

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the f reeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"

PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS...

2007-05-23T11:56:00.001+02:00

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
Much worse than "going blind!"

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
Ah! Justice!

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.
But of course!

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
Makes one shudder at the thought.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time
I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as
Guam!

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Who volunteers for this stuff?!

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
Is that why Flipper was always smiling?

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
From drinking little bottles of .... ?
Did the government pay for this research??

Butterflies taste with their feet.
Ah, geez.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
I know some people like that!

Starfish don't have brains.
I know some people like that, too.

And, the best for last:

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
And u thought u had bad breath in the morning!

JoE'S JOURNAL EPISODE 1

2007-05-23T04:52:00.000+02:00

Hey peeps,

Welcome to my journal, the forum in which i tell you stuff that you not necessarily want to hear but will read nonetheless because i make it so appealing!

Anyways, this was supposed to go off on wednesday (sorry ZoE) but due to our server being down, todays the day! This is the picture that was taken on photo day at the office. As usual the day you want to look the best is the day everything goes wrong! Please tell me what you think...

Talk about old and all grown up! Those who know me will tell you that's not me! :)

Till my next post,

Yusuf

AVRIL'S NEW CD...

2007-05-23T00:52:00.000+02:00

Its called "The Best Damn Thing" and is already out in stores. Everbody's already heard 'Girlfriend' and 'Keep Holding On'. My personal favourite from the album is 'When You're Gone'. Here's a video sampler of the songs on the album. Enjoy...

AVRIL LAVIGNE TOPLESS...

2007-05-23T00:06:00.000+02:00

The 22-year-old singer appears on the front cover of Blender's June edition with her arms above her head in just a pair of black jeans with only the headline "Hell Yeah, I'm Hot!" protecting her modesty.

The photo spread inside, which appears under the tag line "Wild Thing", shows Avril wearing a short leather skirt, fishnet stockings and an open leather jacket posing with a bottle of whisky and a cigar.

The pictures are adorned with the quotes: "I used to drink like a motherfucker, but I'm more mature now." And: "I'm very driven. I'm the kind of person who doesn't take no for an answer."
In another photograph, Avril - who is married to Sum 41 front-man Deryck Whibley - sits with her legs pulled up looking down demurely in a cream mac, patent black stilettos and stockings.

Avril's latest photo shoot could be interpreted as hypocritical, following her scathing remarks about Britney Spears using her sexuality to sell records. The Girlfriend singer said: "I'm more about a performance, she's more about entertainment and sex, being a sex symbol and trying to look like she's having sex." - Bang Showbiz.com

HOW TO SURVIVE A SHARK ATTACK...

2007-05-22T03:21:00.000+02:00

1: Don't swim in the ocean.
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty. (Exception: the Dead Sea.)

2: Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are foolish enough to recreate in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvelous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords,which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the doppler effect.

3: Swim with fat people.
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

4: Don't panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling.

COMPREHENDING ACCOUNTANTS...

2007-05-21T10:36:00.001+02:00

Comprehending Accountants - Take One

Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't fit."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Two

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said, "I like both." "Both?" The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Three

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Accountants - Take Four

An Accountant and His Frog An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week". The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Five

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two"? The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two." The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.

THE RUGBY...

2007-05-21T09:07:00.000+02:00

***This was originally posted by Yusuf but the poor dude couldnt get the pics in so i took it upon myself to help out***

Hey peeps,I went to the super 14 rugby final on saturday. Despite the disappointment of my team loosing in the closing seconds of the match, i had a great time and in the end south african rugby prevailed! We could not have asked for a more nail biting game.

By the way the pictures, the one is the view i had from my seat and erm... i didn't realise how funny the other looked till it was already taken!

CHECK THIS OUT!!!!

2007-05-18T11:21:00.000+02:00

Hey peeps this is a really kewl vid...

ACCOUNTANCY JOKES...

2007-05-17T04:38:00.001+02:00

What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.

What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.

What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.

What's the difference between the male sperm and an accountant?
The sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.

What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
The accountant knows he is boring.

What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

What's the definition of unlikely?
A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude!'.

What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What did the terrorist who hijacked a plane full of accountants threaten to do if his demands weren't met?
Release one every hour.

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.

What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......

The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."
"How did you get such exact information?""I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.

What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
His desk is level

What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?
Lost

If an accountant's wife can' t get to sleep, what does she say?
"Tell me about work today, dear"

When do accountants laugh out loud?
When somebody asks for a raise

Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work

What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Why did he cross back?
So he could charge the client for travel expenses.

How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb?
How many did it take last year?

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to check it was done within budget.

How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you