ACCOUNTANCY JOKES...

What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.

What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.

What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.

What's the difference between the male sperm and an accountant?
The sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.

What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
The accountant knows he is boring.

What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

What's the definition of unlikely?
A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude!'.

What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What did the terrorist who hijacked a plane full of accountants threaten to do if his demands weren't met?
Release one every hour.

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.

What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......

The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."
"How did you get such exact information?""I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.

What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
His desk is level

What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?
Lost

If an accountant's wife can' t get to sleep, what does she say?
"Tell me about work today, dear"

When do accountants laugh out loud?
When somebody asks for a raise

Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work

What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Why did he cross back?
So he could charge the client for travel expenses.

How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb?
How many did it take last year?

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to check it was done within budget.

How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you